How I found myself through the arts and learned to unmask through clowning. (A reflection on social survival)

There are many sayings about why an artist gets into their career; either to hide or to be seen, or they feel like they are a misunderstood person. I don't know why I had a calling for this career,the simple answer is, I needed to build strength as a child, I needed to make friends, and I enjoyed it. Over the years, I found myself watching films on repeat, making friends to put plays on when they visited, memorising theatres, the nearest tube station and the shows which were on, the drama schools actors went to in said plays and musicals. I wasn’t grounded when I was young,my cast recordings being confiscated. Some of these things remain from childhood, while others persist into adulthood. (Please do not quiz me.)The thing I love about theatre is that everyone has their role, not just within the production but within the environment. I know 80% percent of the time I'll be able to keep up with the small talk in the audition, rehearsal room and at the pub later on. I can easily identify who everyone is and what they are ‘about’. At work, I know how to communicate, but outside of work, I do not. Theatre has ultimately  given  me  a map for human interaction. I have shared references and most of the time shared expectations. In these spaces, I've  learned how to move socially because the rules feel clear. Outside of them, the rules become a bit muddy  and much harder to read.

However, I actively make sure I do things outside of my career and work and I'm constantly learning how to exist outside of it. This beautiful environment, which has created such a social fluency and identity for me due to its contained, structured nature, can also be harmful when different parts of my identity intersect. After all, having too much of anything isn’t good, is it?

But through clowning, you see it all. A clown cannot fully hide their suffering, anxiety or plead to be liked because the audience senses it immediately. The more you resist or force, the less truthful and distant you are from embodying the clown. You literally have to respond to what's being asked of you or the context you are in. Which results in ‘odd behaviour’, some may perceive as childlike, awkwardness,silence and a warm fuzzy feeling of delight in the bottom of your stomach.  For me, I feel unmasked and comfortable; I can make people laugh and slightly reframe my shame and embarrassment. Knowing that some parts of me can form connections. I do believe anyone who does or has tried clowning can relate to the vulnerability it exposes. Which, in my case, evidently shows that I'm not a social failure- just different and slightly awkward.

So, did I get into the arts to be seen? Maybe to see myself  *vomit sound effect*